As I said in my introductory post, one of the reasons that I am doing this is to try and help others see that there is life during and after intense stress and depression. In order to achieve this then I feel that I have to be open and honest with things that I have dealt with, what caused me to be that way in the first place and how I got through it. I’m not going to go into the whole story all at once, it is far too long and to relive the whole 7/8 years would likely end up sending me right back to square one. I can do it in pieces though, when something happens in my day to day life that impacts on my memories and experiences.

A quick précis though is that I was a divorced mother of three boys with their father living 350 miles away. I was working to pay the bills which involved a 52 mile round trip, I was studying for a Diploma in Counselling with my main placement as a bereavement counsellor for Cruse, my Father was disabled with my Mother as his main carer…and my Mother had cancer. She passed away after a long five year battle, and just five months after this my Father had a heart attack in my arms and went to join her. There were times during her illness and following his death when I felt that I couldn’t carry on. I felt that it would be so easy while I was driving to just turn the wheel into the side and hit a tree. The pain would be over and I wouldn’t hurt anymore. Knowing my kids would hurt was enough to stop me. Over-riding all of that pain was the knowledge that I want to see them grow up, I want to see them settled, I want to hold my grandchildren in my arms one day, I need to be alive for them. In all honesty? If it weren’t for them, I’m not sure that I would be here today.

And what has happened today to spark that confession. A school football comrade of my middle son committed suicide last night. He was about 20 years old. He hung himself in the lounge of his house where his parents found him. Reading his Facebook page it is filled with love and compassion from old schoolmates, the main thread of conversation being, ‘I was only in the pub with you drinking a beer last night Mate? You seemed fine?’ My Son told me he saw him in Asda last week, ‘he seemed fine?’ he said to me earlier. But that is the thing with depression. We wear a mask, we put on a brave face and don’t allow anyone to scratch below the surface. We carry on with our normal day to day but when we get home we curl into a ball in the blackness of our rooms and wish for the world to just go away and leave us alone. Obviously, I can’t say how this lad was feeling, I have no idea, I haven’t seen him for at least 7 years, but I do know how I was feeling and I was able to stop myself. This Guy, with his whole life wide open, organised to hang himself. It can’t have been a cry for help, there can be no coming back from being hung. It’s like jumping off a cliff, once you let go, you are finished. Therefore, I can only imagine that he was in a far worse state than I was, that for whatever reason, he felt that his life was no longer worth living and he chose to end it.

There are so many other people like this young man out there. People that I cannot see or help. People that I cannot possibly know how they are feeling or what mask they are hiding behind, and that is why I feel that it is important to try and make the World a happier place. We never know how just one simple act of kindness can be received by others, just how much difference it can make in their lives. This afternoon my work colleague and I were leaving work. We use the ground floor of a building and there are offices on the top floor, accessed through the main entrance. I went upstairs and saw that two ladies were working in one of the offices, knocked on the door and asked if they were ok to lock up after themselves as we were finished for the day now. They said yes, they were, but could we please lock them in so that nobody could enter the building who weren’t supposed to be there. I like to think that by taking that short time to just let them know that we were out and their reply left them feeling safe and secure. Maybe, if they had just come downstairs and found us gone with the door wide open they would have felt unsettled and worried. I hope that I saved them from that, I showed that I cared enough about them to make sure that they were ok when we left. It’s not much, but I know that it is when my friends showed me that they cared by seemingly very little acts of kindness that helped to pull me through.

And that is why we have to make sure that no matter what happens in our lives, whatever triggers we may face, we focus on just one thing that means that,

Today is always a good day. x

Anita. x

I am essentially an introverted home bod type of person. While I do go out and socialise with friends and family I also need time to myself to recharge my batteries and rediscover who I am. Today has been one of those days. I have been given a quite random day off from all three of my kids, the house is my own – apart from the dogs and cat – and I have absolutely no pressures to be anywhere or drive anybody anywhere for the whole day. I have also been lucky enough to have a day of wall to wall sunshine with very little wind – I live on top of a very big hill, other people have a breeze? I get a gale force wind  – and over the last few months my poor garden has been very much neglected. So, today has been mainly a ‘be kind to me’ day when I just pottered around pleasing myself.

Cue the music of Spandau Ballet followed by Kenny Rogers playing quite loudly in the conservatory so that I could hear it in the garden, my version being sung out alongside them (luckily, no sign of any neighbours to hear my tuneful voice) and what started as just get some secateurs to trim back the brambles that grow through my back fence from the field behind turned into a mammoth digging over and compost mulching of two flowerbeds, planting of anemone and crocus bulbs, get rid of a small tree/bush that the previous owners had planted in the most ridiculous place and it was half dead as a result and replant some lavender plants that I had grown in pots and they needed more root space. They are now firmly ensconced into one of the flower beds and more about them later.

The kindness of others towards me has come to the fore today. On being so pleased with my accomplishments of this afternoon I posted a picture on my Facebook page stating to ‘ignore the desk that I need to get rid of somehow.’ Within minutes a friend had offered to do a tip run for me next week. I am always amazed when others offer me help. I have been a single parent for 15 years and as a result, tend to be overwhelmingly independent, I rarely ask for help and never ask twice – if it’s not done the first time, I just walk away. I have been told many times that I shouldn’t do this, that I should ask more and remind people because they forget, but that is so hard when it is generally easier for my quiet self to just get on with a job in my own little way. This offer though, totally out of the blue and unbidden, has put a big grin on my face and an appreciation of just how kindness can have the effect of raising someone’s spirits, even if they are already in a good place.

Back to the lavender though. I originally planted it last year to help the bees – score one for the planet again! – and I did take great pleasure sitting in my garden attempting to take a photograph of a bee in action, they are speedy little blighters, and I eventually got there.

This year though, I wanted to do some more with it, and also thinking of the project of kindness to others, so a quick browse on the internet taught me how to dry the lavender so that I could use it for some special ideas I have planned for a few weeks time.

And while I was about it, a further browse showed me how to dry some rose petals that I can also use. These particular roses were from a bunch that I was given as a thank you last week so extra special and a gorgeous colour.

In a couple of weeks I shall move onto stage two of this particular plan and meanwhile I shall continue to enjoy the absolutely heavenly scent that is currently filling my conservatory from these drying plants.

I guess what I am trying to say in this post is that even when you don’t see another human being for a whole day it is still possible to both give and receive happiness. I have been in my element today and I have made preparations towards making others happy at some point in the future. I have also been offered a favour that I would never have asked for in a million years, and I have been brave enough to accept, also a failing of mine usually.

And the sun has been shining….

Today is always a good day. x

Anita. x

‘No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.’  Aesop.

Since starting this project, and yes, i know it has been less than a week, I am finding myself stopping and thinking how much we actually do during the day that can be interpreted as an act of kindness, but others take for granted. For instance, this afternoon I went shopping in Asda. this was a painful experience and I really should have known better than to attempt a weekly shop on a damp and drizzly saturday afternoon, but needs must and all that. Anyway, it was busy and i was not exactly in a hurry but it’s not my favourite activity so i prefer to just get in and get done. The problem with a supermarket when it is busy though, is that there are other people who get in the way. I had my trolley and meandered through the aisles, shopping list in my hand and a mission in my mind. I stopped abruptly when a child ran in front of my trolley, smiled at the harassed mother as she grimly chased after him, i think i received a nod in return. I politely said ‘excuse me’ more times than I can count when trying to manoeuvre my way past old friends that had stopped to chat in the aisles, a few times they said ‘sorry’ to which i replied sweetly with ‘no worries’ and a smile, a few times I was the recipient of a grimace as they moved their trolley a couple of inches so i could just about squeeze through, i still smiled sweetly and said ‘thank you.’ At the till I purchased a couple of reusable bags instead of taking the free ones – does an act of kindness towards the planet count as attributing to a happy day? In my book definitely – and I was pleasantly surprised when the cashier noticed that one of my bottles of milk was leaking and asked for another one to be brought over to replace it.

None of these are particularly spectacular or notable on their own, but looked at closer and followed by my shopping in Wilko’s later where I purchased another reusable bag – that’s three for the planet! – but this time it had a picture of a bee on it with the word ‘happy’ underneath. It seemed appropriate, also because I am a seamstress (sewing bee) and I am particular drawn to this tiny little creature at the moment. Following Wilko’s I went into a small independent kitchen shop to purchase a net food cover and when he asked me if I needed a bag for it I replied ‘no, i’ll stick it in here thanks.’ He noticed the bumble bee and said ‘that’s a happy bag,’ I laughed and said ‘yes, it’s a bee happy bag,’

‘I get it,’ he said, ‘bee happy!’ And then he smiled, transaction completed and I left the shop.

So, Aesop was right, even the smallest act of kindness is worthy, a polite nod, a small thank you, a jokey conversation …and don’t forget the planet!

Today is always a good day. x

Anita. x

Friday 4th September 2015.

Today has been a peculiar day, my work day was spent on a Newquay beach, yes, there are times when I have a very nice ‘office’, but I have also been plagued with thoughts about the Refugee crisis in Syria and the plight that has befallen those people.

As I was getting ready for work this morning I had a random thought along the lines of surely America and Australia have more than enough empty land space to accommodate the displaced population and I quickly dashed off a Facebook post to the same effect. I guess I should have anticipated that feelings are high and very much divided over this subject, but I can sometimes not think too greatly about things at 7.30 in the morning when I really should be brushing my teeth…

So what happened? By the time I returned from work and checked my posting it appeared that I had a war of my own on my status update. A cross between those who thought that we should not help at all and those that felt that we needed to do more and open our borders to all of the displaced. I was not particularly amused by this, although it did make a dramatic change from the kind of replies I normally get, and will admit to having a small rant of my own about how people should ask me or read my blog for yesterday before making their minds up about my beliefs, particularly when this is happening whilst I am working and unable to defend myself. What they are also unaware of is that before that posting appeared I had volunteered my services to the https://secure.avaaz.org/en/index.php organisation in order that I can help where I am able should any refugees be resettled in an area close to me.

Kindness comes in many guises, sometimes it is broadcast from the highest rooftop – more striking to me than the image of the little boy who died lying face down in the sand is the video footage of the gentleman who, ever so tenderly, picked up the tiny tot and carried him away from the prying cameras – and sometimes it is kept hidden, thought about and cogitated over whilst a person carries on their daily business, knowing in their hearts that they are doing their best, and waiting for the time that they can bring it to action. Just because those thoughts cannot be seen does not make them any smaller than those that are shouted about, it is what is contained in the heart that matters most.

I am now going to go and sit in my lounge and complete the baby hat I am knitting for the Children’s Clothing Bank, it is small and will be totally insignificant to a lot of people, but to me, a mother and a tiny newborn baby somewhere in the future, it will mean a lot, and that is what matters.

Today is always a good day. x

Anita.

It is a harrowing time on the news at the moment. Refugees fleeing from war torn Syria in any way that they can find possible has left those people that haven’t died in the process, being left in desperate need of everything that we in the more affluent Country’s take for granted. We cannot comprehend how bad life must be for a person to grab their loved ones and run, to clamber onto a boat that is overflowing with others in the same desperate situation and float away to who knows where, just hoping that is somewhere better than from where they have come from. Then, for that boat to start to take in water, miles from any shore, knowing that there is nowhere left to run. If they are part of the lucky few, the rescue boats from sympathetic Countries that are searching for them pick them and bring them to safety. For those others, the ones who hold onto their children as they sink lower and lower into those murky depths, who try to keep their loved ones heads above water as they themselves struggle to keep afloat, there is no rescue. Today’s news is flooded with images which cannot be adequately described in their horror. No person can say that the picture of a three year old boy, washed up dead on a Turkish beach as his family fled to Greece, doesn’t turn their stomach, giving them a lump in their throat and more than one tear in their eye.

As a Mother of three boys I cannot help but think of all that I would go through to protect them even now they are adults, and all that I did to protect them when they were the age of that poor little boy and I was a single parent living on the breadline. It makes me realise that my idea of the breadline was nothing compared to how these refugees are experiencing life. We are lucky that we are safe, purely by accident of where we were born and the safeguards that our Governments over the years have put in place to ensure that we have basic shelter, food and medical care. That we are protected and safe when we sleep in our homes at night. Yes, we can complain about our days of ‘Austerity’. We can complain that our disabled and unemployed could probably do with just a little more money in order to get by. We have complained greatly in the past about the amount of immigrants that arrive on our shores and claim benefits that we have worked to pay for and we have shouted for them to be stopped, to pay for our own before we pay for them. That they should go back to where they come from. The difference here is that these people are different. This is an unknown quantity of people; men, women and children just like us who cannot return to their homes, they have no homes left to go to, no governments that are going to keep them safe, no food, no drink, no clothing, no medical care… they only have themselves and those that have managed to stay with them through all the danger of their flight from the hell that they used to call home.

With all of this going on around us it is hard to see how we can have a ‘happy day’ when so many others are struggling just to survive. I can continue with my personal challenge of ensuring something I do today brings a smile to another person’s face and I have achieved that. I have taken the time today to listen to a friend in need and provide a safe haven for them to vent their frustration and problems. To be there for someone else in their time of need is just as important as making them smile, to listen and watch and maybe offer a hug if they so wish for that to happen can make all the difference when, to them, the world is turning black.

So, today hasn’t been about making anyone laugh and sing, it has been about attempting to lighten the darkness, just a little bit, one shade at a time. I only wish that I could have done this for that one little boy.

Today is always a good day. x

Anita.

Wednesday 2^nd September 2015

Well, I guess you could call today a bit of a washout. Waking up with a migraine this morning stopped play and meant that I could not go to work and therefore haven’t been able to see anybody all day. I am in danger of sinking into a black mood at this apparent failure so early in the project but I have a plan up my sleeve.

A plan? Plan B? Yay!!!

There is a new community project down here in not so sunny Cornwall called the Cornwall Childrens Clothes Bank and it is their aim to provide much needed clothing free to those children who are in desperate need of it. Within the items they require are knitted items for babies straight out of hospital so they can have something new to wear and although I consider myself to be just a basic knitter (I can do garter and purl stitches and I can increase and decrease…but that is about it) I have over the last month knitted a few hats for them which I have already donated.

So, tonight’s plan? I remembered that about 12 months ago I knitted a baby jacket but never got around to finishing it off, it only needs the poppers sewn on and then some bows put over the top of them to cover the stitches, and then I can start a matching hat….

Therefore, although I haven’t been able to put a smile on someone else’s face today, I will in the very near future by an act that I have done today, and I have been kind to myself in the process.

I call that a win, win situation and by making something positive out of a very painful negative I have still ensured that …

Today is a good day. x

Anita.

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

The Happy Day Project,

Day 1/365

Tuesday 1st September 2015

So, the first day of the year long challenge has arrived and I will be honest in that I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do for today. It is a working day and my workplace has changed permanently with today being the first day for that also. I work with a vulnerable group of people so data protection cuts in with anything I can share on here so suffice it to say that it has been a long time in the planning and today was a very big day for all of us. Therefore, I was surprised when I was able to perform my first good deed during the working day in the form of a gentleman who came to visit us in our new home. He is known to us and is a regular visitor and he collects tax discs – yes, it is a real collection and hobby and it is called Velology – and I remembered that my last tax disc had expired yesterday.

Now, I purchased my car from new 5 years ago and due to it being a small low emission car it only costs me £30 a year in tax and therefore I always purchased the tax yearly. I am also rubbish at taking out my expired tax discs, always just placing the new one in front of the old one. This meant that the gentleman in question was really pleased to receive 5 pristine tax discs all sequential for the same car.

And I was able to fulfil day one of good deeds.

Today is always a Good Day. x

Anita.

Monday, 24 August 2015

The Happy Day Project

Many years ago (at least 10 or so) it was running up to Christmas and I was in my local Asda store attempting some Christmas shopping. All three Sons were at school and unfortunately for me, a lot of other parents had taken the same opportunity to do a spot of childfree shopping…otherwise meaning that the store was packed. I required some wrapping paper and tried to get to the rack but someone was in front of me so I couldn’t quite reach across. This same person was trying to get to the Christmas cards that were in front of myself so, me being me, I said to her,

‘Shall we just swap places and then we can both get what we need?’

She smiled, agreed and all was well with the world and we went our separate ways.

What is the point of this I hear you ask? Well, that is the background, this is the reason for the post:

When I got to the bottom of the aisle a gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and said,

‘Excuse me, but I just wanted to say how polite you were about the wrapping paper. I am on holiday and where I come from, people would have just pushed others out of the way to get what they wanted and it was just so refreshing to see someone be so polite. I wanted you to know that.’

I was surprised by his small speech but it struck a chord, so much so that I still remember both the occasion and the amount of pleasure that one person, taking time out of his life to make sure that I was aware of his admiration, could make me feel.

For the last five years or so I have struggled to be truly happy. The long illness of my Mother culminating in her death in 2011 followed quickly by my Father in the same year, as well as those other struggles of being a single parent to three Sons and working full time while trying to keep a roof over all of our heads left little time or energy to be able to do much more than exist and cope. Panic attacks, stress and depression descended upon me in all their blackness and there were times when I felt that it would be easier to just stop, get off the treadmill and let everyone carry on without the burden of me. I remember sitting on a train to work and thinking that I wouldn’t get off at my stop, I would just keep going until I saw somewhere I liked that looked like it would give me a much better life. I also remember thinking that it would be a good thing to just drive my car into a wall so that I didn’t have to deal with anything anymore. Luckily, my overwhelming responsibility gene prevented me from actually doing this, seeing my kids grow up and being there for them was my saviour.

Using my own determination (and yes, some selfishness) I am now in a much better place and I put this down in part to a technique I was shown through a Facebook Group called The Good Things Jar. The premise behind it is that when something good happens, you write it on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. At the end of the year, you open the jar and read about all the good things that have happened to you in that year, things that ordinarily you would forget because you have focused so much on the negative. I will admit, I was not very good at keeping the jar, but what I did do was keep a Good Things Journal that I would write in every night before I went to sleep. Anything good that happened to me that day was entered, be it as small as the type of meeting described above or something larger, such as when I finally achieved a distinction in Advanced Creative Writing and acquired my second degree.

For the most part I am now in a much happier and more content place. The black days are far less frequent (I would never say they are gone forever) and I generally have a smile on my face and a song to sing. I also feel ready to give something back, to try to make another person smile every day for no other reason than it is a good thing to do. Therefore, I am going to ensure that I do something happy and positive every day, blogging my progress honestly here. I mainly intend for these happy things to be aimed at other people, deeds that make them happy, but I am also a realist. The fight back from depression is a long, hard and often solitary road and therefore it is just as important that I make myself happy along the way. I am hoping, that in reading my happy posts, others who are in a similar situation to myself will see that there is a way out through those tangled branches that try their best to drag you back down, stifling the brightness of the day and swallowing the sun. I hope to provide you with the axe, a hacksaw or even a pair of secateurs so you can begin the process of chopping them down and basking in the glory of a new day.

Normally, a 365 challenge would start at the beginning of a new year, but as I have ideas of further study starting in October 2016 then it seems necessary that if I am going to do this, it needs to begin before then. So, 1st September 2015 is my starting date, I hope that you will all join me.

Wish me luck and most of all smile,

Today is always a Good Day.

Anita. x